Life Has A Crush On You

Falling in love with Life one day at a time…

Tag: faith

Watching the Waves

There are moments everyday of disappointment. Moments when we catch ourselves plummeting, when we sense loss and tighten up. We brace ourselves for the fall.
I know when these happen, sometimes in the tiniest of moments for me. Someone says something. I hear something from somewhere, I spin into reaction. I try to find a grip. Sometime I grab onto things that give me a false sense if control and steadiness- blaming others, anger, eating, jumping into unplanned action. But I know these are just temporary fixes. Band aids for a wound that might need some time to heal.
But I can sense I am on the right path since I know when these moments come where I loose my footing. I can feel my breath stop. I can feel a mood brewing in my blood, uninvited. I can see my hand reach to stuff down another emotion with something to occupy my mouth. I can see my true self shrink by enlarging the issue before me.
While there are many strategies out there to help us with those moments that surely come up daily my only cure right now is to watch the waves. I set a timer to literally create some space for me, some time where I a not allowed to do anything- talk, eat, even think. I can only breathe. Deeply. Audibly, visibly with my chest rising and falling. This is the secret ocean I carry around with me. Hidden, like an ancient secret cove, these are the waves that smooth the jagged edges of anything in its way. I get the same peace in this time as I do sitting by the shore. I get the same wonder on this edge as I do standing and searching for an ending that doesn’t exist on a vast ocean. And to think, it’s always there. I can choose to always live by the sea. I just have to turn around. I just have to pause to hear it crash on the shore, rhythmically reminding me there are things that came before and things that will outlast. I just have to breathe.

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Happy Thoughts

Salted Avocado on Stone Ground Crackers

Committing to projects that thrill you

Staying up late with your thoughts and excitement

The strange feeling of goodbye to a year past

Taking a whole day to get organized at work

The fresh start when you take down your holiday decorations

Finding a great new and applicable app

Always having your favorite pen with you

A beautiful new calendar for a beautiful new year

The Munford and Sons Pandora Station

Being aware of what you can add to any environment – a smile, a happy thought, a blessing

Committing to a tea time everyday

Harnessing the masculine energy of taking big things and making them small

Recognizing the feminine energy of taking small things and making them big

A vase of colored pencils

Doing math

A clean inbox

Not waiting to do something

How everything can be done if its broken into smaller chunks

The Bored List – 20 plus things you can do instead of TV

Dream Boards

Drinking more than enough water every day

Fearlessly claiming what you are about

Making your life more like camp

The things you say to yourself when you first wake up

Listening to your body

Violin solos in songs

Antonio Vivaldi

Pleasant surprises

Getting back into a routine

Feeling joyous with every breath

The bag of resources you always carry around with you – a smile or compliment on your lips, a listening ear, a hug in your arms

The Last of this Year’s Visitors- God

A standard was set tonight for what I would consider an ideal New Year’s Eve. Set out to the yoga ashram just outside of town there was to be a three hour ushering of the new ear and celebration of the last year in the yoga yurt complete with direct intention setting, Kirtan, or sacred chanting, meditation for world peace and a fire ceremony. It sounded sacred. It sounded fun It sounded perfect. Yet Drew didn’t care to go and no matter how perfect an evening we were invited to for me it is a no brainier that it would have been a horrible night without him.
I got my perfect evening, though, and was taught at the perfect moment how God will always come to you.
It began by watching a particular a movie that I rented that opened my eyes and, most importantly my heart, to the pain, the disruptive mess and wars abroad. It was a stark contrast to my life, the safety I take for granted and the innocent bubble I can and do create for myself by not watching the news or reading the papers. Although what I watched was fiction, just the thought that such happens abroad and domestically is enough to shake me awake. I saw and could swim in the millions of blessings I experience on a daily basis. Above all, I saw the need for peace and I prayed a true prayer for peace for all people. I prayed that everyone would be given the freedom, the safety and the love the needed to lead their lives. I prayed that all should be as blessed as I have been.
But this was not to end the evening. God came to my door, not ready for me to settle out the year quite yet. After undressing for the day, stripping off the hundreds of dollars of clothes I had just bought today, a man knocked. We thought it was fireworks at first. But then we heard how it was at our door. Drew answered and it was a man who a few weeks ago came around on a Sunday afternoon asking for work and food. I had given him a fresh loaf of bread and he came back, at 10:30 tonight to see if we had any more to spare. Although we didn’t have bread we gave him some crackers and food we did have. Yet it was a few minutes later that all the pieces came together. I couldn’t help but look at and see the need too that exists in our own town, on our own front porch. There were knocks on the door and on my heart.
There have been a few nights over the past couple of years where I have dreamed of using our resources to help those who need it. I have laid awake in bed running over the details and strategies of allowing homeless people use our backyard, water and firewood. I have written out and thought time and time again of somehow using the small yet powerful skill I have learned of making bread to help others and improve the lives of those who we know and don’t. Yet it wasn’t until tonight that I felt what I dare say was a call. Without a doubt, just as He planned the man to ask for bread, my heart to be awakened and compassionate, He too planted the Divine Thought and connection in my mind. This man came asking for bread. And what did I see? I saw God on my front porch saying, “Yes. It’s time. Make bread. Fill the hungry with food and work. Give what you can and what I am asking of you, so you can become who you are.”
It didn’t take a yurt or chanting or a fire ceremony for me to find God tonight. He came to me. He found me. And this is how I enter the New Year. On my knees. Head to the ground and in awe of the good and the hard, with a prayer asking for strength to carry me and you through the work before us.

Nesting for Christ

There was something off this morning. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I keep on thinking and relating tonight’s Christmas service to going to the hospital. To an actual birth, of an actual child in today’s modern age. But it wasn’t until my meditation that I really understood what was going on. While visions of cleaning the house, and organizing my closet, and finalizing gifts, rushed through my mind, my heart was simply not with it. These to do lists of everything surrounding me were the “nesting” aspects of bringing in a new child to a home. Yet I quickly, oh so very quickly, realized that it was not my home that needed to be prepared – it was me.

I could feel a literal pull from my heart and immediate tears well in my eyes. My deepest desire  was more that  the clutter in my heart that was taking up the space for this new Light be removed and I be connected again. I needed to nest myself, not my home, for this coming Child and all that He promises.

So my tearful prayer is that while I have become off-balance with my devotion and spiritual practices, that I too may be restored. My prayer is that I am made ready for the Joy, the Bliss, the Promise of Christmas. My preparation in this 11th hour is that I may practice self love, which might entail sitting in a messy home, just telling myself “I love you”, despite the bloat from Christmas treats, or the list that is hard to forget that streams through my mind. I ask that I may be ready for the coming Life. I ask that I may be restored to be a clear channel of the coming Joy. I ask that my ego be silenced, and Love pour through my body and seep into my mind in an endless stream. I ask today, that I be made ready and whole for the promise of Life that is coming.

“Today I prepare myself for the Divine in all its glory to come and live within me.”

True Christmas Gifts

I recently heard Cheryl Richardson advise us all on becoming comfortable with “wanting something when we know or understand it’s not our time to have it”. This is a powerful idea. Can we sit and become comfortable with our own wanting?
I think this is pertinent around this holiday season when we are asked what we “want” in a material sense, and then are asked at New Years what we are resolved to committing to in order to get rid if other wants. It’s a time when we are face to face with the exchange between us all. We can face it with anxiety, with hope, with love or peace, but time an time again we are thrown back into the wanting.
Starting seven years ago every Christmas what I really wanted was a miracle. I wanted the Spirit to fix a wound that hurt us all in my family. I wanted this more than any present imaginable. I asked every year for this miracle and not only around Christmas and yesterday it happened.
Wrapped nicely in a 3 word text, “He did it” the Christmas gift I have asked for with my heart and soul came just a few days early.
It’s hard to describe the fulfillment one has after a seven year wait, but to be perfectly honest the gift came a while ago. The gift came when I became peaceful with the wanting. This year I did not pray and plead for this gift. While my desire for goodwill, health and all good things for my family is still very much with me, I am comfortable with it. God heard my prayers. He got the request from me the very first time my heart ached for it and I asked for it. It was coming, it has come. It’s just on His time. It was this Christmas that was meant to get this gift of fulfillment. The six before have us other important things- patience, faith, a recognition of love, joy in the unseen, detachment of the material, strength in family, release of wanting. I can see so clearly now how it was these other gifts with this year’s answered prayer that constitutes my Divine wealth- that which is unshakable despite circumstances and appearances. It is with these gifts that I have been truly blessed and been given things I didn’t even know I needed much more than my own prayers. This is the Christmas miracle- not that my prayer was answered- they always are- but in the mist of our many year long dialogue I was given Life.

Authentic Steps towards your Authentic Self

Almost everything feels awkward at first try. Yet when you are walking on the path of your Divine Life, despite this awkwardness, there is a Divine excitement that permeates the entire experience. While it can be hard to articulate, its undeniable. Whether it is the first kiss with a true love, the first day at a new job, or the first experience working with a lifelong pastime, something will click. Yet this doesn’t mean that there won’t be a mistake or many made as we start out on this journey. It’s important for us to accept this imperfection of awkwardness, despite the fact that we are so competent in so many things in life. Just because we have already mastered walking, doesn’t mean that there aren’t experiences in our life where we must learn to crawl again. I think it all boils down to a simple, yet not often asked question. Are you willing to make mistakes for God? Are you willing to look like a fool in pursuit of your Life’s passion? Are you willing to risk shattering the ego? Are you willing to walk in a new way? Cracks are needed for the seed to break through. Mistakes are a necessity to growth. Even when you begin down the path that you are certain is the right one for you – in your career, in love, in service – accept the fact that just because it is Divinely oriented, doesn’t mean that our humanness won’t make a mess sometimes. The Divine has the capability to clean anything up, yet, what we consider a “mess” might simply be God using every tool possible to help us grow. There is a reason we use the metaphor of being “children of God”, because in this journey, we are learning yet again how to model ourselves after the Divine. There will be falls. There will be tears. But just as the Divine can use situations and others to redirect us or push us down before we learn something the wrong way, it also has access to the billions of arms of others to help us back up. Becoming confident in our new steps walking on the Divine path will take time. Remember that. But with each one you are closer and closer to your Highest Self. There will be a time when you have mastered walking with God, and you will find yourself not only running, but dancing and flying through your beautiful life.

I love and accept you just as you are right now

While I was going to bed last night, this was the phrase that kept coming to me. “I love and accept you just are you are right now.”

I was thinking of a family member, one who I had always held at a distance, and I cannot begin to describe the emotion and the love that began to flow from me to them. In an instant, I saw them, not as I always had, through the judgmental eyes that I had, but through the lens of compassion. Instead of thinking of the changes I thought they should make, or that would be easy for them to do, I felt their suffering. I was deeply pained by things I had never thought of. The problems, issues and prejudices that they had to face every day. How blind I was to their continuous suffering, which I know was so painful for them as well. It was truly one of those moments that knocked me down and showed me how far I have been from truly loving.

I continued to say it. I continued to tell them through my thoughts and prayers that I love and accept them exactly as they are right now. Through the compassionate suffering I felt they were going through, I also felt deep love that I didn’t know I could give to someone. I felt the power of this love course through me and descend upon them. For the first time, I felt the depth and love of  true acceptance.

After this experience, I realize I am a toddler in this life, just learning these new things, having a breakthrough in a step towards walking in love. While incredibly simple, I know I will fall down again. But for today, and for all consciously lived days ahead, I will continue to genuinely love and accept those in my life, and myself, exactly as we are right now.

Reality Check

Today I need a reality check… Here it is….

1. None of my “problems” are life- threatening.

2. I have the full function of my body, mind and spirit.

3. I woke up to the love of my life today.

4. I came to a job that pays me to do things I love.

5. I have work to do that contributes in meaningful ways to others.

6. I have the ability to make a new cup of tea at any moment.

7. I am finishing my dream class and closer than I realize to becoming more of who I desire to be.

8. There is clean air abounding around me.

9. I am in warm and comfortable clothes that make me feel the way I want.

10. I have a future that is brighter than I can imagine at this time.

11. I am working at a computer – a gift and tool so many don’t have access to.

12. I am never want for people or supplies to make my job easier.

13. In moments I forget these things, I have dozens of wise and wonderful people I love who can and do remind me of them.

A Brat about Bread

I pushed away my bowl of breakfast and dramatically offered it to Drew this morning.

“I have lost the will to eat.”

He couldn’t but help and laugh in my face.

Why? Because I have chosen, yes, it was my choice, to commit to not eating gluten, sugar or any refined products for a few weeks (except one day each week). Today is day four.

What I am experiencing is not hunger, but the mentality and psychology of a screaming ego. Who knew I would become such a brat about bread.

I just know with my love and seemingly “need” of bread that I am of European descent and have it built into my DNA that in order to survive I need to indulge in the freshly baked warmth of a loaf at least every few days. It is probably the food I just can’t imagine life without . Jesus even called himself bread. Yes. Exactly it’s really important.

But the truth is, this is an ego problem, not a hunger one. My energy has been great. My body starting to “hum” a bit more. But my mind – oh yes, it is kicking and screaming.

So what? On this day four of my diet change, as momentum has run off, I am starting to realize that this isn’t about cleansing, or health, or calories or weight. This is about God.

Somewhere along the lines I believed more in what bread could do for me than what God can. Somewhere along the way, I decided that I was in control and part of my control plan is the joy and physical reaction I have to bread. So of course now, this lack of bread is not just a preference, it is rocking my world. It is God saying – “Yes. Give me your tools of “control”. See how Life really is. Look to me. Stop looking to yourself.”

This voice and perspective is useful as I tame the toddler of my ego that is acting out horribly. What an incredibly spoiled brat I can be.

It is starting to help me understand just what our sermon was about this past Sunday. The hard passage in Matthew that discusses the wealthy man who came to Jesus to ask what he can do to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

“Sell all your things and come and follow me.”

But he just couldn’t do it.

The point of this story is not to instigate all of us to sell our things, but it is to ask us to relinquish to God all that we hold most dear “to make our lives work”. What is one thing that you do use to tightly hold and control your days? While it sounds quite crazy and I am sorry that it got to this place in my life – bread is one of mine.

So take it. One month. Shape me. Not my body. But me -this screaming, whining, dramatic child that needs Your Presence and Power to make me disciplined and dependent by and on Your Will, Power and Strength – not on just a man-made fickle thing as bread.

Accumulate Pages, Not Judgments

I read  “accumulate pages, not judgments” on Sunday in The Artist’s Way and am still thinking about it. What a brilliant idea, so simply put. 

As I wrote yesterday the first few pages of a new proposal for a book I have been thinking about for some time, I faced the fear that comes whenever words finally appear in front of you. Judgments started to fly, self-deprecating thoughts slashed at the pages. Yet a simple awareness of my judging was present. I was committing to writing, not to being perfect. I began the journey of accumulating pages under one particular topic, not of doubting myself or the words.

In my experience, it is such an act of faith to proceed forward toward the completion of your dreams, since your mind, in its authoritative tone, gallantly strides in to hinder any progress.

While it sounds crazy, I think this is why I like reading poorly written books sometimes. If someone wrote that, why can’t I? There is really not a prerequisite that a book needs to be well written (although this is usually greatly appreciated). Nor is there any prerequisite for what it has to be. If someone wrote, what I would consider “bad”, had an editor and then a publisher like it, and then other people, then, really, who am I to judge?

While my life project is writing, you might have another one. It may be health or love, or music or business. This post is to encourage you to pursue it, one step at a time, and accumulate the small things that make the whole of your greatest contribution. You are in the business of gathering these small steps and pieces of your dream, not judgments. Trust in Life that it will work through you. It will supply you with the right material, words, ideas. But you need to show up to work. You need to put pen to paper, as much as possible, since that is how we all accumulate – little by little, day by day, through the muck of our own judgments we choose to leave behind.