My morning tradition was disrupted today when I left my iPod in the car that Drew took to work. Somehow, on this rainy Wednesday, this seemed to be a good thing. It seemed to welcome in some space without words into my morning.
I realized that while I love and find it useful and powerful on so many levels to start my day by walking to the bus stop listening to a program, a speaker or something inspiring, it is powerful too to hear yourself some mornings.
Instead of trying to stuff down some programming, I decided to gently step out into programming myself. I was quick to realize that even the positive thoughts and affirmations I used to say, those that come naturally and almost immediately to mind when I think – ok, lets affirm- seem stale, or at least burdened with a twinge of disbelief from my heart.
That is the last thing I want – inauthentic words. Empty vessels trying to create something.
No. The entire power and purpose of affirming, of self-speak, is the emotional certainty you feel with the repetition and knowing of what you are saying.
So this morning I had to back track. I had to be completely honest with myself. When I said something and it didn’t feel “right”, then I lessened the degree. I turned back and let go a bit, and said something new.
It was as if my mind was in yoga. Just as when I enter into a pose, I find the edge – and while I think “Oh, your growth will be if you push through and go beyond this limit”, my wise self says “Oh, ok, that is where the limit is. You see it; you found it, now back off a bit and breathe. The limit will dissolve by your working at this lesser place.”
It is interesting when you sit with your own mind – in walking meditation, or sitting meditation- without any other words. No voices guiding you. No songs luring you. Just you, being you.
So, while I started this morning with grandiose phrases – ones that I had used before – I ended up being at two simple ones. These were the ones that “clicked”. These felt right. So I stayed there. I dwelled in the rain saying to myself – out loud and quietly – “My job is fast, easy and fun. My job is fast, easy and fun. My job is fast, easy and fun.”
And eventually, it came – the soothing, quiet phrase that whispered to my soul and tasted so good I couldn’t leave it all morning – it was a gentle, “I love you, Elizabeth.” It was a true surrender of all the self-improvement talk – of all the let’s be the best – let’s do better- self-speak that I hadn’t even realized was crowding up my mind quite so much.
So today, this is my mind candy. This is the refreshing drink to my thirsty soul. This is the day, I turn everything else off – and I turn myself on – even if it’s a quiet, ever so gentle whisper. This is the day that I remember, that I really do deeply love myself, as much as, I love others.