A Brat about Bread
I pushed away my bowl of breakfast and dramatically offered it to Drew this morning.
“I have lost the will to eat.”
He couldn’t but help and laugh in my face.
Why? Because I have chosen, yes, it was my choice, to commit to not eating gluten, sugar or any refined products for a few weeks (except one day each week). Today is day four.
What I am experiencing is not hunger, but the mentality and psychology of a screaming ego. Who knew I would become such a brat about bread.
I just know with my love and seemingly “need” of bread that I am of European descent and have it built into my DNA that in order to survive I need to indulge in the freshly baked warmth of a loaf at least every few days. It is probably the food I just can’t imagine life without . Jesus even called himself bread. Yes. Exactly it’s really important.
But the truth is, this is an ego problem, not a hunger one. My energy has been great. My body starting to “hum” a bit more. But my mind – oh yes, it is kicking and screaming.
So what? On this day four of my diet change, as momentum has run off, I am starting to realize that this isn’t about cleansing, or health, or calories or weight. This is about God.
Somewhere along the lines I believed more in what bread could do for me than what God can. Somewhere along the way, I decided that I was in control and part of my control plan is the joy and physical reaction I have to bread. So of course now, this lack of bread is not just a preference, it is rocking my world. It is God saying – “Yes. Give me your tools of “control”. See how Life really is. Look to me. Stop looking to yourself.”
This voice and perspective is useful as I tame the toddler of my ego that is acting out horribly. What an incredibly spoiled brat I can be.
It is starting to help me understand just what our sermon was about this past Sunday. The hard passage in Matthew that discusses the wealthy man who came to Jesus to ask what he can do to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
“Sell all your things and come and follow me.”
But he just couldn’t do it.
The point of this story is not to instigate all of us to sell our things, but it is to ask us to relinquish to God all that we hold most dear “to make our lives work”. What is one thing that you do use to tightly hold and control your days? While it sounds quite crazy and I am sorry that it got to this place in my life – bread is one of mine.
So take it. One month. Shape me. Not my body. But me -this screaming, whining, dramatic child that needs Your Presence and Power to make me disciplined and dependent by and on Your Will, Power and Strength – not on just a man-made fickle thing as bread.