Today is my favorite holiday. I love the spring time it brings in. The feasts, the bright colors. The lilies that fill the air. I love that the holiday isn’t as giddy and anticipated as Christmas, but comes in slowly and unaware like a warm spring breeze, as we all focus on coming out of our own hibernation, a 40 day commitment, and eagerly anticipate change, at the very least with the seasons.
Yet two things have strangely robbed me of most of the joy I feel during this holiday. One I am not to proud of, and another I am surprised by.
The first was that I let a thought, and more importantly the dislike of a person completely control me today. I spoke about it others. I was distracted by it during the singing and the celebrating the happiest of all holidays, in my opinion, the one that actually admits that Life conquers death.
The worst part was that I didn’t feel like myself. I couldn’t help the contempt, the anger, the frustration – all at a person that was hundreds of miles away, and one that really has no effect on my life. What was this stronghold? Why couldn’t I break it? I don’t now the answers to those questions, but will be exploring them surely in the next few days. But first, I think it important to recognize the true enemy- not the girl, but my thinking, obsessively and negatively, about her. This is the harm. My own mind was the thief of Easter. On this day when change is believed for the good, I hope this ugliness is taken from me, and that the joy seeps its way back in, outshining these ill thoughts.
The second sad part of the day was the letting go of my commitment for Lent. I chose to read a chapter from one particular book I found valuable every day. I looked forward to this time. I cherished this time. I left the book changed and renewed. Even though I reread the book four times, every day I left with something new. I could feel my mind being molded in ways towards a deep Truth. Today, here I am. No more book, when all I want is the book. I could read it again, and I probably will as I crawl into bed, but there is a sadness about it. It is as if I know I need to let it go, I can’t keep reading it forever.
But maybe I can. Who is telling me I can’t? Me. And maybe I can love this girl, just send her endless amount of love. Aren’t these my choices? Can’t I choose to change these things that upset me. Maybe as the last hours of the day cling to me, I can settle down tonight and look at what I do have power over- my choice. Despite the trivial and emotional tides within myself, there is a consistent and endless love from Life, and I can choose to focus on this and to send it to others. Even if I didn’t fully connect with Life today, It was here, right by my side, singing to me, trumpeting its presence in full force. I was the only one who caused me to miss it. So tonight, I crawl into bed, with an apology, and a new commitment, one to not miss It again. Thanks for understanding and forgiving me. Thanks for still loving me, and for helping me to love others. And thank you for my ability to choose.